Before

You have single-handedly redefined so many words for me: connection, comfort, security, right, love…

Before you, “connection” was simply having a number of fairly inconsequential things in common, it was attraction. It didn’t ensure compatibility. Before you, “comfort” was the word that I threw around when I knew how to make someone laugh, when they could reciprocate, it was when I could easily fall asleep at their side. Before you, “security” was nothing to do with my emotional well-being. It was nothing I ever knew. It was an idealistic goal for a future I wasn’t sure I was ever going to find. Before you, “right” just meant things weren’t horribly wrong, it meant that I still saw something worth clinging to. It was a word I fought to associate with. Before you, “love” was cheap. It was simply attraction and affection. It was well-meaning and hopeful. It was desperate and heartbreaking.

Before you, I struggled to foster connections; I struggled to create comfort; I struggled to imagine what security would feel like; I struggled to make things right; I struggled to love.

Before you, I tried to decide which of these words, these values I could give up, which factors I could compromise to find my future. Before you, I fought for futures I should have let go. I’m so glad I finally let them all go, so glad I finally shut those doors and cautiously opened the door that you strolled through.

You. You are right. You are so good. You, my dear, are love.

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A Declaration

I’m no stranger to the declarations of attachments never-ending
— to attractions uncomprehending. I’m no stranger to the falling
and I’m thankful, oh so thankful for the lessons learned from love lost
but oh how I wish this had been the first, the only time I’d meant it.
Darling, as we laid there with the street lights speckling our faces,
the corner of your mouth curling as your secrets spill from wary lips,
I knew this was different. You are different. I am different with you
in the best ways. In the only ways that matter. I want you my dear,
more than I’ve ever wanted this thing, this closeness and possibility.
To say I have high hopes doesn’t touch the closest of these dreams.
Words make no mark comparable to my affections. They lack the means
to express the rate and the height from which I’m tumbling into you.

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30 Days

We made introductions over salad, pasta and cider. We laughed over ice cream in the rain. We perched close upon the bench with shoulders rubbing nervously. We spent hours not wanting the night to end. We took dinner to the park and explored favored hiding places. We kissed among the throng of passerby. We laid on the floor listening to playlists of our collective childhood. We settled in side by side and listened to stories, to hopes and dreams. We’ve wandered and adventured. We’ve locked ourselves indoors and spent entire days beneath the covers.

In the 30 days since that kiss on the cheek I’ve become no more sure of where you came from or how you found me, but I am sure of how quickly and completely you’re winning me over.

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5 Truths

Kait Mauro is one blogger I’ve followed for a while, and one I’ve greatly enjoyed for just as long. She recently shared an introductory / list post, Identity, as a way for her readers to come to know her in a brief, succinct fashion. I love lists and I love introductions, so naturally I was quite taken with the idea. A few days after posting Identity, she posted 5 True Things, a list of truths or, as she puts it: “5 things I’m learning lately”.

Being able to identify and define my truths as well as my life lessons has been a skill I’ve only just begun pursuing, but it’s one that I recognize as being invaluable to personal improvement.

So, with that, I suppose I’ll share my own 5 Truths / Things I Need to be Reminded of Constantly:

  1. Happiness isn’t going to happen if I’m not willing to make the declaration, take the risks, and chase it.
  2. As stressful as hurdles and struggles are when things already seem incredibly tenuous, recognize the value in the process, revel in the accomplishment — then get back to it.
  3. Being afraid is acceptable; letting that permanently  stop all forward momentum is not.
  4. Not everything will turn out “okay”, but I will be more than alright.
  5. Go slow and enjoy.

Be sure to check out Kait’s writing, photographs, and truths over at Don’t Flinch.

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Hindsight

When relationships end and new ones begin, it seems so obvious what was lacking in the former once you have the new to compare it to. It’s become clear what my last relationship had, what drew me in and held me for a time; but it’s also been made clear what was missing, why it wouldn’t last.

We worked for a while, and then we didn’t. That’s the way things go with love, sometimes they last and sometimes they don’t. So we pick up the pieces, determine the degree of contact to remain (if any) and we move on — on to new, on to different, and ideally on to better. Here’s hoping we’ve learned our lessons.

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