The Worry

It’s easier to understand and sympathize with the worries of someone who’s trajectory is questionable. What then, do you feel for someone who worries when things are going right?

I’ve been here before, in these beginning stages of a good thing where even the most basic interactions are thrilling and endlessly exciting. To say that I’m eager in these first stages (or really, any stage) of a relationship would be an understatement. I’m eager to learn, eager to show, eager to share, and eager to grow.

Internally, I strike balance between feeling that I’m not close enough, that I don’t know enough about this new interest of mine and feeling that I am completely unsure of where to start, with what questions to ask, with what stones to overturn. I’m overwhelmingly curious, but I tend not to ask for specific details, not wanting to pry or offend, so I ask for stories. Whatever you want to tell me, whatever you want me to know, tell me that. Tell me about you all at once, or feed me bite-size stories consistently, but keep me close and show me the cells and stories that have built this You.

I’ll be the girl standing in the middle of the room with her faults and best parts laying side by side at her feet, showing them off as though they were salable wares at the daylight market. Watching men stroll up to my collection of broken, incomplete, confusing and contradictory pieces, I try not to let my hopes get the best of me. Most tend to walk away, decidedly against pursuing this, against pursuing me. It’s easier to watch them leave when my hopes were just hopeful and far less than invested, so I share. I share this, that, and everything else with a smile on my face but all the worries in my heart. I share it all to be honest, and I share it all to keep from being torn apart.

When all is going well, at the point where our lives being to meld and we’re often found arm in arm, I worry then, too. I worry that we’ve still not found the dark and deep of me, that you’ll someday see these and decide against all of this. I worry that this will end like last time, that one of us will walk away. And then I worry that it won’t. I worry that we’re on the right track, and even this has consequences. I worry that this has a future. I worry that I’m not ready for big, that I’m not ready for progress. I worry that I’ll only hold us back. Don’t let me hold this back.

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