A Resolution Of Sorts

She: Any chance you’re ready to discuss/explain Sunday?

He: …I don’t know if I have an explanation…

She: Okay, lacking explanation, what do you think about what happened?

He: It was enjoyable lol what do you think? I’m just lacking in explanation as I don’t recall exactly how it transpired.

…Wrong answer?

She: I’m thinking. Trying to word things clearly.

He: Fair enough.

She: I thought it was enjoyable too. I feel like the tension has been building for a while with us. You’ve seemed more affectionate lately and it’s been really nice but I’ve been wary, still am.

…I broke my own heart wanting you around this time last year and holding out hope for something, anything to show that you reciprocated. I don’t want to be lost to you again. I can’t fall for you again if I’m going to be the only one.

…I don’t know what I really expect you to do or say, but I just need to be clear on that.

He: Yea…I think that’s totally [fair]. Especially as I can’t say that I want anything more than friendship in life right now…I’ve just been trying to hold back less in the way of affection and kindness. It’s easy for me to be withdrawn but it hasn’t made me happy and thus I’ve been attempting to change that…my intentions for doing so was to keep others from getting hurt if I didn’t want anything more than friendship and as a means to keep from misleading…but it’s presumptuous to make decisions [on] my own about the dynamics of a relationship. That being said, I value you as a friend and I can’t promise more than that at this moment…

…Then I will do my best to not make you fall for me again…sorry for misleading you or giving you any false hopes…

…I know how little personal responsiblity I have right now and before I go into any sort of committed relationship I have a lot of personal development to do.

She: I understand completely. I’ve enjoyed the affectionate side that I’ve seen and I don’t want this to be cause for you to shut it off again. On Monday especially and somewhat today, I was falling back into where I was mentally with all of this months ago, but this evening I started to realize how different the situation is now. I’m not the broken girl that I was a year ago. Yes, there is still and will always be a part of my heart that wants to be with you, that wants a mutual falling, but another part of me understands that it may not ever happen. I’m not looking for a promise of anything or for you to back off. I’m just wanting to make it clear that I’ll likely slip up and get a bit emotional and romanticize whatever this is from time to time, but I underestimated my strength in saying that I’d be a goner if you so much as kissed me. I like what we have, as confusing as it is sometimes and I don’t want to lose it.

…And to be clear, there is so little you could actually do to make me fall/not fall for you. It’s just who you are as an individual and who you’ve been for me. The falling is all in my head (and heart).

He: Thanks for understanding and being there for me in the capacity that you are and allowing me to be in your life how ever I am.

She: Of course.

“He’s still a big weakness for me,” I explain to her, “but I’m trying to keep in mind how much stronger I am now than I was a year ago. How much more I know myself and what I need. I now know that I don’t want this anymore.”

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