I’m torn back and forth with thoughts of you. Being with you. Being without you. Waiting for you to decide the what or the who that you want. Meanwhile, I try to keep my heart open to you when all I want to do is shut down. To restrict access. Don’t let the world turn your heart hard, I’m reminded. But with that reminder comes this one: with this attitude comes the pain, the constant breaking.
I’m wading chest-deep in foolish, I say, but I’m unable/unwilling to turn back.
With misplaced affection, I became attached quite quickly and oh-so-completely. There you appeared, in short time, embedded within the walls of my heart. Wrapped in and around all of my most vital parts.
I want to believe that we can work. That I could make you happy. The longer this uncertainty lasts, though, the more resolved I am to put an end to the whole damned thing. To cut this off completely. I suppose that’s love. The painful part, at least. The part where you’re damaged by them, but can’t seem to leave with any sense of finality. I was convinced, for a while, that I just needed to find someone else, so I went — but I couldn’t find another you.
This is the danger with boys as best friends: you see them at their best and at their worst and you can’t help but fall into them. So where do we go from here? Do I continue to push feelings aside, or do you cut the cord, leaving you once again without a best friend? I don’t find myself to be particularly fond of either one of these plans.
When do we cross the line between being hopeful and being downright foolish? When is it time for a clean break — which, at that point, becomes impossible to survive? What’s the purpose of being a loveless survivor? Why is it that I fall so quickly and so completely? Why do I fall so inappropriately? And especially then, why do I fall with such a flagrant disregard for self? It doesn’t seem safe — or sane for that matter. I just want to know that my heart rests safely in his hands, but I’m afraid that I know exactly how it would end.
I always know better, but I let them in anyway.