With / Without

I’m torn back and forth with thoughts of you. Being with you. Being without you. Waiting for you to decide the what or the who that you want. Meanwhile, I try to keep my heart open to you when all I want to do is shut down. To restrict access. Don’t let the world turn your heart hard, I’m reminded. But with that reminder comes this one: with this attitude comes the pain, the constant breaking.

I’m wading chest-deep in foolish, I say, but I’m unable/unwilling to turn back.

With misplaced affection, I became attached quite quickly and oh-so-completely. There you appeared, in short time, embedded within the walls of my heart. Wrapped in and around all of my most vital parts.

I want to believe that we can work. That I could make you happy. The longer this uncertainty lasts, though, the more resolved I am to put an end to the whole damned thing. To cut this off completely. I suppose that’s love. The painful part, at least. The part where you’re damaged by them, but can’t seem to leave with any sense of finality. I was convinced, for a while, that I just needed to find someone else, so I went — but I couldn’t find another you.

This is the danger with boys as best friends: you see them at their best and at their worst and you can’t help but fall into them. So where do we go from here? Do I continue to push feelings aside, or do you cut the cord, leaving you once again without a best friend? I don’t find myself to be particularly fond of either one of these plans.

When do we cross the line between being hopeful and being downright foolish? When is it time for a clean break — which, at that point, becomes impossible to survive? What’s the purpose of being a loveless survivor? Why is it that I fall so quickly and so completely? Why do I fall so inappropriately? And especially then, why do I fall with such a flagrant disregard for self? It doesn’t seem safe — or sane for that matter. I just want to know that my heart rests safely in his hands, but I’m afraid that I know exactly how it would end.

I always know better, but I let them in anyway.

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2 thoughts on “With / Without

  1. Its heartbreaking to read the words you project out into the world. It hits too close to home every single time and I’m not as strong as you […] I do hope you receive the love you truly deserve, your heart is much too kind Kate. It’s sad we know that same piercing pain..

  2. This is why I write. It’s helpful to know that even my deepest heart aches are a shared experience.

    Everytime I think I’ve resolved the crippling aches and I’m ready to move on, I find that there’s an unresolved ache waiting to be attended to. It’s still a bit terrifying to tell everyone (whoever reads this) about those aches, especially when they’re people I know personally, such as yourself, and could potentially piece together the bits of my life that are still vaguely private.

    But this is life and this is what happens. We’re not victims, we are participants, and heartache is the price of admission to the game of love. I’ve been in love and I know I can be again. It’s just a matter of time. You’ll find it again too, Chris. I promise. And with the next one, you’ll have a mutual respect instead of an uneven love.

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